


Sine nomine

by ToTheStarsWriting



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Canon-Typical Behavior, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Family Feels, Head of the Institute Alec Lightwood, In the eyes of his people, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Politics, Protective Magnus Bane, Standing together, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, Supportive Magnus Bane, The Clave, The New York Institute, and her people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29941440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToTheStarsWriting/pseuds/ToTheStarsWriting
Summary: This moment has been a long time coming. Though Alec had never wanted to take it this far, he'd always kept the idea there in the back of his mind. Something that he could do if the need ever proved great enough.He was tired of fighting against the Lightwood name. Tired of trying to atone for sins he had never committed. Ever since he’d been old enough to walk Alec had carried the weight of generations on his shoulders. He’d shouldered the responsibility of being the oldest son, the Lightwood heir, the one who was going to – who had to – bring honor to the Lightwood name. Even before he’d known the true depths of their dishonor the weight had still been a heavy one.No more. With one swipe of the stele, Alec was going to set his own path forward. One where he hoped he could do enough to make the angel proud.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 82
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

There were some times when Alec wondered why on earth it was he’d ever agreed to be the Head of the New York Institute.

Oh, it was a job he loved, he wasn’t denying that. Alec loved being in a position to look out for his people and make sure that they were all okay. It allowed him to _protect_ , which was all he ever wanted to do.

But, at the same time, it was a job that could drive him to distraction on a good day. On a day like today? Well, between an injured patrol team, an attack of Valentine’s Circle members against a group of wolves, the loss of three more shadowhunters and four more downworlders, and the return of Maryse Lightwood right in the middle of all of it – suffice to say, it wasn’t a good day.

Which, honestly, meant that Alec was more than happy for any sort of distraction. Hell, he’d even take his siblings and Clary causing some sort of trouble at the moment if it meant he got out of here for a little while.

While it wasn’t his siblings who ended up distracting him – nor his boyfriend, who was by far and above Alec’s move favorite distraction altogether – it _was_ someone he was definitely happy to hear from. A woman who had become a surprisingly good friend in the past few months; even if their friendship hadn’t started in the most traditional of ways.

Alec wondered how many people could claim to be best friends with the woman they’d left at the altar.

The smile that lit up Alec’s face at the sight of her number on his caller ID was the easiest it’d been all day. He pressed the answer button on his screen and let himself slump back in his chair, the paperwork on his desk briefly forgotten. “Hey, Lydia.”

“ _Hey, Alec_ ,” Lydia’s voice was warm in that way that Alec was adjusting to, the one that only ever came out when she was in private and comfortable with the person she was talking to. He took it as a compliment that she felt safe using it with him.

With his free hand, Alec twirled the pen he held. “How are things in Rio?” Last he knew, that was the Institute she’d been sent to.

A soft sigh came down the phone line. One that sounded tired enough to have Alec’s smile falling away. “ _I finished up there. Actually, I came back to Alicante a few days ago._ ”

Alec’s worry grew a little more. He stopped twirling his pen and turned his full focus to the phone as every sense he had pinged _something was wrong_ at him. “What happened?”

One of the reasons Alec had once thought he and Lydia would be so well suited to one another was their tendency to communicate in the same way. They were both pretty blunt for people who held political positions. Lydia’s was more due to not having been raised to be a politician an just a predilection for blunt honesty like Alec. From what he understood from their conversations, she’d left the political side of things up to her husband at the time.

Lydia had been raised a common military brat with the run of an Institute, taught to speak her mind, whereas Alec’s just seemed to be, well… a ‘personality quirk’ was the politest way he’d heard his siblings describe the way he spoke.

What that meant for Alec and Lydia and their friendship was that the two were able to talk to one another without any of the usual bullshit that Alec was so used to dealing with around other people. Lydia didn’t lie to him to soften a blow, nor beat around the bush or pretend like there was nothing wrong when there really was.

“ _I waited until I was sure before I called you,”_ she started out, a bit hesitant and yet pushing forward, giving him the honesty she knew he wanted. “ _I thought maybe it was just rumors at first. Or people talking after our wedding. But I’ve had it confirmed from people who spoke directly to your parents. Alec…word is spreading around Alicante that they’re trying to find you a wife. It’s being said that your kiss with Magnus was a rebellion, and you’re searching for a proper wife now to be brought back into the fold_.”

For one single second it felt like the world froze. Alec went still, his eyes wide and his breath caught in his chest.

Of all the things he’d expected her to tell him, that hadn’t been it.

Alec wanted to argue it. To insist that she had to be wrong, that his parents wouldn’t do that. Not after the statement he’d made kissing Magnus at his wedding. Not after he’d made it so very clear that he was done hiding, done playing a part for them or anyone else.

Only – he couldn’t. Not when Lydia’s words rang with truth. She wouldn’t lie to him about this. Alec had no reason to doubt her. Not her word, and not his parents’ actions.

Alec stared at the wall opposite him and let her words sink in.

It should’ve hurt. Distantly, beyond the wall of numbness that seemed to be building around him, he knew that he should’ve been in pain. The kind of soul deep pain that he was far too familiar with when it came to his family. To his parents.

Yet, as he stared at the wall, as he listened to the soft “ _I’m sorry, Alec”_ that came over the phone line – Lydia’s voice layered with grief and sorrow for the person who had surprisingly become her best friend despite recent events – there was no pain in Alec. Just that numbness edged in a certainty that this had been a long time coming. Just another cut piled on top a myriad of others that he’d born for so long.

Alec closed his eyes for a moment as he let out the breath he’d been holding. For weeks now, months, ever since the wedding-that-wasn’t, Alec had felt like he’d been walking around his Institute waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’d done his best to keep on going, to run his Institute in the middle of a war, to keep his people safe, to protect them, and to maybe carve out a little time for himself to spend time with a gorgeous warlock who was somehow attracted to _him_ of all people for reasons Alec didn’t understand.

Yet he’d known. He’d known something else was coming.

The signs had been there in the little comments his father dropped. In the hints of coolness beyond Maryse’s usual layer of ice. Alec had seen it coming, had known something would finally happy to push the already strained relationship between them.

The words Lydia had said to him had been dealt with as much softness as she could muster, and yet they landed with all the force of a hammer in the forge. A forge that had shaped Alec, molded him into the person he was now, forcing him to become what they wanted until he’d dared take a breath, a move, of his own, stretching himself thinner and thinner with each moment after.

This final blow shattered him. Broke him into pieces he was going to have to find some way to gather together and put back into some semblance of a whole. Only, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to do it the way they wanted. He wasn’t going to ever be able to fit that mold again. Whatever he made of himself after this, it was going to be something new and entirely his own.

That should’ve terrified him. Instead, Alec felt himself calm.

“ _Alec_?”

Lydia’s hesitant voice echoed like the crack of a whip in the silence that had fallen between them.

Drawing in a careful breath, Alec clung to the numbness. He clung to the false calm that he knew would shatter eventually. _Later. There’s time to break later_. Right then, there were things he needed to do.

“Thank you for calling, Lydia,” Alec said. He was surprised by just how steady his voice was. There wasn’t a hint of the tremble that he’d been so sure would be there. His voice was as strong and as steady as if he were standing up addressing his people.

“ _What are you going to do, Alec?”_

That was the question, wasn’t it? What was he going to do? How was he going to react? This wasn’t something that could be ignored. Not after everything. Not when Alec knew that ignoring it would only encourage them further.

Not when his mother, who had arrived so suddenly and so unexpectedly, was currently down the hall in his Ops Center trying to act like she still ran the place and pretending like she was somehow here to _make things better_. Playing her part to get into his good graces for reasons that were now so painfully clear.

That manipulation hurt almost more than the rest of it. The hope she’d given him that had now been ripped away.

It was that more than anything else that cooled Alec’s voice. “What I have to,” he finally answered.

Lydia yet again proved herself as a good friend when she didn’t question Alec on it. She didn’t demand to know what he meant, or start trying to talk him down, or even talk him _up_. She just let out a sigh and then told him “ _Call me if you need me. I’m just a quick portal away_.”

“I will,” Alec reassured her. “And… thanks, Lydia.”

“ _I can’t have someone stealing my almost-husband away from me, can I_?”

The teasing words brought a faint smile to Alec’s face. One that was quickly wiped away moments later when he hung up the phone.

A long beat of silence passed as Alec just sat there in his chair and stared at the wall across from him.

There was a voice deep down inside of him, one that had been bred and cultivated over years of what Magnus had been delicately trying to hint might be more abuse than parenting, that insisted he was overreacting to this. Not that this wasn’t a bad thing. Of course it was! But it wasn’t like Maryse or Robert could actually force Alec to marry someone. Nor did he really think any woman was going to want to tie herself to him. He’d walked away from Lydia at the altar to kiss Magnus in front of everyone. There was no doubt in Alec’s mind that every shadowhunter out there knew what he’d done. No matter what Maryse or Robert tried to insist, no one was going to believe it was just some _rebellion_.

So, it wasn’t like this was actually going to come to anything. There was no reason to get so upset over it.

And yet…

The other part of Alec, the part that had gradually been getting louder and louder, pointed out that the fact they even thought to _try_ was bad enough. They knew what he felt, _knew_ he was with Magnus, and yet they were still making attempts to find a wife for him. Knowing that it wasn’t what he wanted. Knowing that he would be forever unhappy in a marriage to a woman.

Then again, when had his happiness ever really factored into any of their plans?

Grief washed over Alec like a tidal wave. He closed his eyes against it and took a moment to just… feel it. To acknowledge this last bit of proof at how little he as a person mattered to two people who should’ve put his happiness above anything.

What Alec wanted didn’t matter to them. It never had, and if this was anything to go by, it never would. They weren’t going to stop. They were going to keep trying to use him to somehow wipe away the sins that they had committed. As if it were somehow his responsibility to pay the price for _their_ crimes.

He was a Lightwood. The eldest. He’d been raised to believe that it all fell on him. Protecting his family, protecting his people, atoning for sins he hadn’t committed, bringing honor to a name far more smeared in dirt and blood than he had ever realized.

Alec could go out there and tell Maryse no. Tell her that her plans had been discovered and he wasn’t going to go along with it. Make it public enough and he might even get away with it. But, no. Even that, Maryse would find a way to weasel out of. Manipulation was her game and she was a master at it. If Alec wanted to make a statement, if he wanted all this to _stop_ , there was only one thing he could do. One thing he’d planned for even as he’d also tried to plan any way around it.

He’d hoped the recent quiet meant that things had calmed down. That maybe he wouldn’t have to do this.

Apparently, he was wrong.

A calm certainty settled in Alec’s chest. He knew what he had to do. Just as he knew it was going to change everything. But he couldn’t – _wouldn’t_ – continue on like this. Not when his family was making it so very clear where they stood.

He’d given them every single chance in the world and they’d blown it. Over and over and over again. This was the last straw.

Alec pushed himself up from his chair. He reached out, grabbing his stele off his desk, and for a moment he stared down at it, thinking one last time about what he was about to do. About what it would mean for him, his siblings, his Institute. No one was going to take it well, he knew, but… he couldn’t keep going on like this. Not when his parents had just proved how little Alec’s actions and words mattered to them. How little _he_ mattered to them.

No matter what he said or what he did, it wasn’t going to be enough. It hadn’t been before, and he’d known that. Had lived with the weight of it on his shoulders day in and day out.

Now it was finally time to be enough for _himself_. To hold himself to his own standards. Make his own way.

If he wanted to be able to do that, this was going to be his only option.

Turning on his heel, Alec marched from the room, determination carrying him forward. Toward a future that was about to get a whole lot more uncertain.

* * *

Alec had thought that walking down the aisle to Magnus was the most nerve-wracking thing he’d ever do. It was the first time he’d reached out and taken something for himself simply because he’d wanted it. Alec had taken that step away from the life he’d been pushed into and moved toward the one he _wanted._

Taking that step had felt massive, and difficult, and scary in ways that had kept him chained down for so long. But he’d done it. There’d been a sense of peace afterward, even, like he’d finally made the right choice. Finally went onto his own path.

Now, Alec realized that it had only been the first step on his journey. A large one, yes, but a single step nonetheless.

Today he was about to make another large one. One that would take him even further off the path his parents had set him on and into entirely new territory.

The thought was as terrifying as it was liberating.

Alec used both those feelings to help fuel him. They carried him from his office down to the Ops Center with a calm that he didn’t truly feel yet had years of practice projecting.

Somehow, despite all that, Alec still felt all eyes on him when he walked into the room. Most of the shadowhunters looked up out of habit and instinct. They were trained to clock any person that came in a room, any potential threat. He expected them to look, to notice, and would’ve chided those who didn’t.

What he hadn’t expected was for those eyes to stay locked on him. For the room to slowly but surely go quiet as Alec walked into the center of it all.

One person didn’t stare, not at first. Maryse Lightwood was too busy going over some sort of report with a shadowhunter who _had_ looked to Alec.

It gave Alec a small sense of satisfaction when Kai Dusktree took one look at him and immediately snapped to attention, ignoring Maryse completely. Very few people ignored Maryse and got away with it. Yet Alec’s people did exactly that. Kai paid zero attention to whatever Maryse snapped at him, his focus fully on Alec.

Alec stopped in the very center of the room. Just a few feet away from where his mother stood with her back to him.

He folded his hands calmly behind his back and waited.

It didn’t take her long. Alec had known it wouldn’t. A power play in public like this required careful maneuvering, and she could only afford to ignore him for so long without breaking the message of _I love my son, I’m trying to fix things_ that she’d so far been projecting between her usual bouts of swooping in and fixing everything she felt her children were doing wrong. Still, Maryse turned slowly, in her own time, trying to hold on to a sense of power. As if she were granting him her presence instead of giving in to him. Alec allowed her that illusion of control for the moment. All eyes watching knew better.

“Has something happened?” Maryse asked him, every inch the commander in that moment, demanding a report from her subordinate.

Alec drew in a deep breath and watched her. He’d wondered what was going on when she’d showed up. Had felt himself year a little, deep down in those quiet places inside him, at the hints she’d given that said she might’ve come to try and fix things between them.

A stupid hope. Alec looked at her now and knew just how naïve that thought had been. Maryse wasn’t here to try and fix things with him. She was here to try and fix _him_.

“I just got a phone call from Lydia.” Alec’s voice was calm and steady, yet it projected around the room. A skill he had learned at his mother’s knee and perfected in his tenure as leader here. He didn’t have to shout to be heard.

Maryse lifted one dark eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware you two still spoke.” Underneath that Alec could hear the real words, the _I didn’t think she would talk to you after what you did to her._

“We talk frequently. She wanted to let me know she’d just returned to Alicante from her trip to Rio. Apparently she heard a few interesting things once she got home.”

If Alec had even suspected that Lydia might be wrong, those suspicions were banished as he watched his mother lock herself down so that no emotion could show through. That screamed her guilt as clear as a verbal confession. The only reason for her to lock herself down like that was to hide, and the only reason she might have to hide…

Alec swallowed against the lump that had built in his throat. “So it’s true.” He heard how flat his voice had gone. How the emotion had drained out of it in a mimicry of the look Maryse was wearing. It was the only way he knew he could get through this without his voice cracking. “I knew it had to be – she wouldn’t lie. But I’d hoped.”

“This is something we can talk about behind closed doors, Alec,” Maryse tried to say, drawing herself up taller as she did. So clearly ready to sweep him away so that their dirty laundry wasn’t aired out in front of the whole of the Institute.

Too bad for her Alec had no intention of letting that happen.

“No.”

The whole room fell quiet. Just the sounds of a few sensors beeping, maybe a click or two of a mouse, but otherwise… silence.

A faint twitch broke through Maryse’s control. It tugged briefly at her lips. Then she smoothed them back out, and her glare darkened. “Alec…”

“No,” he repeated firmly. “We’re not going to take this behind closed doors so you can yell at me and insist all over again that you’re doing what’s right for me. I’ve spent too long hiding everything behind closed doors. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m done cowering in front of you. I’m done letting you control my life through pain and threats.”

Countless words sat in Alec’s chest just waiting to be said. _Aching_ for it. Yet he held them back. Because… what was the point? What could he say that would have any effect whatsoever? They wouldn’t change her mind. Maryse wasn’t going to listen to him now. Why would she, when she never had before?

Alec stood there in front of the whole of the Institute – the whole of _his_ Institute. An Institute full of people he had worked with, trained with, fought beside, punished, praised, commanded. People who had been mostly handpicked by him, with a few bad apples he’d yet to find a way to discreetly transfer out without attracting the ire or attention of the Clave, who behaved so much better if they thought they still had some of their people, some of their spies, in his midst. He’d had plans for finding a way to weed them out of here safely. A plan for all of them, really.

That was likely to be lost now. All his plans, gone, damaged by a kiss, and about to be broken completely with one fell swoop of his stele.

Yet, that didn’t stop him. Alec stood in front of them, and even though a part of him was aching at the idea of having to leave this family he’d made, he knew what he had to do. What was necessary to protect the remnants of the family he’d been born with.

Alec and Maryse met eyes across the silent floor of the operations room. Whatever she saw in his gaze now clearly had her reassessing her strategy. She took one step toward him, and her eyes narrowed a little.

“Alec.” Her voice was low and steady, with that undercurrent of warning that had once been enough to curb just about anything Alec might do.

 _No more_.

This was a moment that had been building for so long. Something Alec had planned for, yet hoped he’d never have to do.

All eyes in the room were watching as Alec slowly sank down to one knee. The gesture could’ve looked subservient – it should have. Yet there was no doubt in the minds of anyone that he wasn’t here to kneel before her. Alec’s conviction gave his posture a strength that, though he didn’t know it, made him look like a _King_.

With steady hands he reached down for the cuff of his pants, and he quickly and easily rolled them up just high enough to reveal his right ankle and the black symbol that lay starkly there. The symbol of the House of Lightwood. A rune, granted to them by the angel to denote their new family, their _true_ family, from the minute the angel had accepted them into service. It was said that any ties to the mundane had been left behind when Raziel first drew those early groups into his service. That, in accepting their pledge, he’d offered them a sign of a new life.

The Lightwood rune was one of the few runes still left from the old families. Though new families had been born since then, brought into the fold and their family name recorded in the Book of the Nephil, the naming-runes were a sign of an old, pure family. A sign of their ties to one another, to their family, and to the angel.

What had once been a mark of their promise to Him had been twisted into a show of power. It was a mark all new generations born to that line were gifted with after their rune ceremony. A mark Maryse had taken the day she’d pledged her love and her life to her husband.

Alec looked down at it, and he felt his heart give one last throb. One last moment of pain before calm wrapped around him.

When he lifted his stele, his mother’s voice rang through the room again, and Alec thought that this time he heard a faint quaver underneath it. “Don’t do this, Alec. Whatever problems you have, we can discuss. If you do this…”

“I’ll be one of the Nameless,” Alec finished for her. He looked up and met her eye once more. His conviction stood out clear in every inch of him. “I’m not a new shadowhunter, to take on a name of choice, and I’ll be striking my old one from my body. I’ll become nameless, powerless.”

Like a newly born shadowhunter fresh from the cup, tied to no one. Or one of the cast out, deemed unworthy of their name and punished in the worst way possible for a people who put such stock in names and lineage. Dishonor often followed those who were nameless. For clearly, what honor did they have without a name? The fact that he was doing this to himself, that he was doing it this way before witnesses, was the only thing that might prove to be his saving grace.

It was a risk. Some, he knew, would never believe that he’d made this choice. They’d look at his life, they’d look at his relationship, and they would whisper to one another about the boy who’d fallen for a male warlock and lost his name because of it.

But…

“Better one of the Nameless than to spend my life trying to make up for the crimes _you_ committed,” Alec said, his voice soft yet firm. “Better to be nameless than to tie my life to a people who aren’t worthy of my fidelity, or my respect.”

Alec didn’t give her any time to argue with him. To say something, try and bribe, threaten, or order him back.

In one move he swiped the stele over his rune, and in doing so, erased lifetimes of history from his body.

The rune burned for a moment as all runes did. Then, Alec watched in silence as the rune briefly flared, then darkened, and then as it began to fade.

As he stared down at the slowly fading lines, a part of Alec couldn’t help but think that he should feel some sort of pain. That it should _hurt_ to leave behind the family he had been raised in, that he had breathed and bled for, that he had given up so much to be a part of. Yet, to his surprise, what he felt most was _relief_.

Ever since he’d been old enough to walk Alec had carried the weight of generations on his shoulders. He’d shouldered the responsibility of being the oldest son, the Lightwood heir, the one who was going to – who _had to_ – bring honor to the Lightwood name. Even before he’d known the true depths of their dishonor the weight had still been a heavy one. _Heavy is the head that wears the crown._

Now, as Alec knelt there on the floor of his Institute, all of that bled away with the loss of that single rune, and he was _relieved_.

When Alec looked back up at the woman who had been his mother, the woman who had borne him and raised him, he let her see that relief. Let her see just how much she had truly lost here.

Judging by the grief in her eyes, his message got through.

For a brief moment Alec saw his mother underneath his general. “What have you done?”

“I did what was right.” Alec packed those words with every ounce of his conviction. That very same conviction kept his spine straight as he rose back up to his feet. He stood with his spine straight and not a hint of regret showing on him anywhere. “I refuse to take another step forward with the horror of your lineage standing over me. It’s my hope to make a better and brighter future for our people – something a _Lightwood_ wouldn’t ever be able to do.”

“You are a _fool_. I can’t save you from this.”

One corner of Alec’s mouth curled up. “When have you ever saved me from anything? You fought to save the family name, not me.”

Those words were true, and they both knew it.

“I hope you’re happy with your choice,” Maryse snapped. She’d recovered, at least a little, and was drawing herself once more inside that hard shell that she’d built so many years ago. It hardened her features and sharpened her gaze into the dangerous look that Alec associated with his mother. One that had replaced any bit of kindness he’d ever remembered from her. “You’ve given up everything, thrown it all away, over a warlock who won’t even remember your name a month from now.”

“I didn’t do it for him.” The words were simple, and yet they rang with truth. The kind of truth that no one who heard them could ignore. “Meeting Magnus, being with him, that helped the decision along. But I didn’t make it because of him. I made it because of _me_. Because I realized that nothing I said, nothing I did, was ever going to be enough. Not for you, not for the Clave, and not for any of the other old families who look at me like I’m a disgrace because I happen to love a male warlock.”

It felt so good to say those words out loud. To release them from the aching place they’d been hiding inside for so long, clamoring to break free since his wedding. Since Alec had taken that first step away from everything he’d been raised to be and toward everything he’d ever wanted for himself.

Alec looked at Maryse, and though it hurt, he smiled. “I realized I was never going to be happy so long as I was tied down to you and everyone else like you who think blood matters so much more than who a person is.”

“You think this will make you happy?” Maryse demanded sharply. “Giving up your life, your name, your Institute?”

That last part had Alec battling back a flinch. He knew it was a risk – knew what he could very well lose.

Maryse saw it and she smirked, unable to resist digging that knife in a little deeper in a place she’d so clearly sensed weakness. “Do you really think anyone is going to follow one of the nameless as their leader? The Nameless are ridiculed. Shunned.”

He knew that. He’d known that ever since the idea first came to him. Which was part of why he’d chosen such a public setting for this moment. “They’re shunned because they’re cast out. I chose to leave. Something which every person in here will bear witness to. I didn’t abandon my people, and I don’t plan on it. Being Nameless doesn’t take away from any of that.”

“We’ll see what the Clave has to say about that.”

Alec dipped his head in acknowledgement. “Yes we will. But for now, I have things to take care of, and the rest of you have jobs to do.” He let his gaze sweep over the room around him. This was a test – one that his people passed spectacularly.

Though there were a few stares, and some curious looks, it warmed Alec’s heart to see the way that _every single person_ snapped-to at his words. They all returned to their work without any sign of hesitation, and just a brief salute of fingers to forehead, palms flat. It was a display of respect and loyalty that was almost enough to steal Alec’s breath away. It gave him _hope_. Hope that maybe he hadn’t lost everything today.

He had to swallow a few times before he could get the lump of emotion out of his throat. When he finally did, he turned his focus to one of his nearby shadowhunters, Anthony Bellgrove. “Anthony.”

Anthony was one of the newer transfers. Born and raised in the New Guinea Institute, he’d transferred here just a week after Alec’s failed wedding. He was quiet, kind, and had proven himself to be loyal.

When Alec called out to him, Anthony immediately passed over the paper he was looking at to the man beside him and turned sharply toward Alec. “Sir.”

“I’m heading out for the night. Any reports that come in I want funneled through to my phone. If something happens with the patrol unit, make sure I’m notified immediately. I also need someone to arrange for a portal for Colonel Lightwood back to Alicante.” Alec turned to look at her as he said the last part, making absolutely sure as he did that his voice was firm. “I believe it’s time for her to return home.”

“Of course, sir,” Anthony reassured him immediately.

Without waiting for Maryse to react, Alec turned on his heel and made his way toward the front door, deliberately ignoring everything and everyone. Not that anyone tried to stop him. Though they all kept working, Alec knew they watched him as he left.

The minute Alec was out the front doors of the Institute it was so tempting to break down. To give up the iron control that had helped to get him through all that. He could feel what was waiting for him – feel the pain that was hiding underneath the relief and the resolve that held him. But he couldn’t let it through. Not yet. Not _here_.

There was only one place Alec could even begin to think of going in that moment, and he didn’t let himself hesitate to head there.

To keep himself going, Alec pulled out his phone and quickly started to draft a message as he began to walk, succinctly summing up the evening’s events and sending it to Benji, his secretary, to take care of. Benji had been with him for a while now, helping Alec out these past few years as he’d tried to cope with everything that came his way ever since that first agonizing year when Maryse and Robert had dumped the Institute in young Alec’s lap and left him on his own.

Benji had been one of the few to see just how much Alec was struggling and offer to help instead of just sitting back and waiting for him to fail. He’d helped Alec out discreetly, often under the guise of sparring sessions and quiet visits in the library. As Alec later learned, the man had been trained to be a leader as well, though he’d never wanted the position. He’d run away at the first opportunity, transferred to another Institute, and never looked back.

When the Institute had become Alec’s, appointing Benji as his secretary had been the smart choice – the only choice. There was no way he could run the place without the other man’s help. Benji’s experience meant he had the kind of knowledge others didn’t. He was also one of the most loyal people Alec had ever known.

Composing the email to Benji didn’t take long. Soon enough it was done and sent off, and Alec was left alone with his thoughts. Something which he wasn’t ready for.

Alec quickened his steps until he was running. He didn’t let himself stop, didn’t let himself think, just ran for the one place he knew he’d be able to find some peace and comfort. Somewhere no one would be able to bother him at least for a little while.

He barely paid any attention to what was around him. Not until he was inside Magnus’ building, standing outside his door with barely any memory of his run there. His feet had taken him along a path he’d come to know so well. One that his heart knew would lead him to safety and comfort and the kind of love that gave him the strength to do anything.

This had been the only place Alec could think of to go right now. Magnus the only person he wanted to see.

Alec’s control was barely holding together. When the door in front of him opened on its own, without him even needing to knock, and Magnus stood there smiling at him, Alec swore he heard it as the weight of it all finally became _too much_ and the hard shell he’d wrapped himself in cracked and broke.

“Alexander! You should know by now you needn’t wait to come in.” There was warmth in Magnus’ tone and written all over his face – he was always so happy to see Alec, like there was nothing else that could’ve made his day better. Yet that warmth quickly gave way to worry. “Darling?”

For a second Alec wasn’t entirely sure he was going to be able to find his voice. When he did, he winced a little at the hoarse quality to it. “Hey. Can I… can I come in?”

Magnus’ brows drew down and made a worried crease right in the middle. Not since the early days had Alec been so nervous sounding to come here, to come right in to what was quickly becoming a second home for him. “Of course.”

As if he could tell that Alec didn’t have the strength or the willpower to make that move on his own, Magnus reached out for him. The hand that wrapped around Alec’s bicep was somehow gentle and firm all at the same time. It tugged him forward, and Alec followed easily with steps that began to falter just the slightest bit.

He didn’t pay any attention to the way the door shut magically behind him. All that mattered in Alec’s world was the hand that tugged him inside. They barely made it a dozen steps beyond the door when Alec stumbled, and Magnus was right there to catch him.

Alec didn’t fight the change in position. As soon as their bodies connected Alec felt himself just _melt_. He sank in against Magnus’ chest and felt it as his boyfriend shifted to better support him. Magnus took his weight easily and braced Alec up even as they sank down to the ground. Strong arms curled around Alec, one around his waist dragging him in close and the other up over his back, holding him firmly against Magnus’ body while they slid to their knees.

The minute Magnus’ arms closed around him, Alec slumped down even more, like a puppet whose strings had been cut. He buried his face in against Magnus’ neck. Somehow he found himself gripping the back of Magnus’ shirt.

“Oh, Alexander.” The words were a soft puff of air against Alec’s hair. The arms around him tightened even more, and Magnus turned his face in and nuzzled gently against him. “My sweet little dove. I’ve got you.”

He didn’t ask what was wrong the way anyone else would have. Instead, he just held Alec close and let the younger man fall apart in his arms. He held Alec through every tremble, every gasping breath, every second where the foundations Alec had built himself up on seemed to erode away.

Alec had held it together so well during his confrontation with Maryse. He had stood tall and he’d stayed strong, and it had felt _good_. So why did it feel so terrible now? Now that he was here, and safe, and away from it all, why did it hurt so much?

Cradled in the safest space in the world, Alec still didn’t make a sound as he broke apart. As always, he grieved quietly, the noise locked tight behind his teeth. But the rest of him? The rest he trusted over to Magnus.

He had no idea how long they knelt there for. But not once did Magnus try and move him along. He didn’t hush Alec, didn’t question him, didn’t try and make him move. He just stayed right there and let Alec take what he needed.

It was Alec who eventually broke the silence. His voice was whisper quiet, breathed out against the warm skin of Magnus’ neck like some shameful little secret. “Can I stay here, just for a little while?”

Magnus’ answer was an immediate, “Absolutely.” The hand on Alec’s back moved up to stroke through his hair, moving lightly as if to tuck some behind his ear even though none of it was long enough. “You can stay as long as you need. You are always welcome here with me, _sayang_.” A soft kiss was pressed to Alec’s temple. “I’m pretty sure our nice, warm bed is calling your name.”

The use of the word _our_ normally would’ve sent a curl of warmth through Alec. A strange sense of belonging that he’d never known anywhere else. Not like this. Yet at the moment he felt too shattered for that. Too raw. The vulnerable places where he held his fears of never fitting in, never belonging, never being _enough_ , had been torn open by what had just happened and what he’d done, and Alec couldn’t feel the usual hope he did that maybe he’d finally found somewhere that he fit perfectly.

In the end, Alec didn’t have to say anything. Magnus seemed to somehow just _know_ , the same way he seemed to know everything else about Alec, all those little things that no one else in his life had ever noticed.

“Come on,” Magnus murmured. He pressed a kiss against Alec’s hair. “Let’s get you laid down, hm? I give much better cuddles when my partner doesn’t have to strain their neck to bend down to me.”

The arms around Alec shifted a little, and he fought back the whimper that wanted to come tumbling free. Cuddling in bed sounded, well, it sounded _amazing_ , but breaking away from Magnus’ hold to get there sounded like the worst kind of torture.

The arm that had been around Alec’s shoulders briefly let go, only to come back again underneath Alec’s arm, nudging it up so that Alec had no choice but to wrap that arm around Magnus’ neck. He didn’t stop to think about why. Not until Magnus drew back a little, and then shifted so he was kneeling on only one knee. Then he slid his other arm behind Alec’s legs and _picked him up_.

“Magnus!” Alec tightened his hold, instinctively trying to curl his body in, as if making himself smaller might somehow make this _easier_.

Magnus kissed his forehead and smiled at him. He rose up from one knee to standing as if it were nothing – a display of strength Alec would think about and enjoy later. “Hush. I’ve got you.”

The other man showed no signs of strain whatsoever as he took Alec through the loft and back into what was quickly becoming _their_ bedroom. He made for the massive bed that dominated the room, and he moved to kneel on it before very carefully laying Alec down like the most precious of bundles.

He let go only for long enough to snap his fingers and change both their clothes into comfortable sweats and shirts. Alec startled a little at the change, shivering just a bit at the gesture he still wasn’t quite used to, but Magnus was there in the next second and everything got a little bit easier with the steady, firm pressure of those arms curling around him.

The two of them ended up tangled together in the middle of the bed with Alec tucked in up against Magnus’ chest in a way they usually only did when Alec was in need of comfort. Like this, Alec was better able to push in close and hide until everything he felt, everything he smelled, everything he saw, was Magnus.

One of Magnus’ hands stroked up and down Alec’s back. He lifted his leg, curling it over Alec’s hip so that he was further pinned down in a way that should’ve felt restrictive, and yet was exactly what he needed.

Alec closed his eyes and pressed his forehead in against Magnus’ collarbone until sparks danced behind his eyelids. He felt safe, and comfortable, and a bit embarrassed. The soft “I’m sorry” that slipped out felt like not enough, and yet he wasn’t sure what else he could give.

Not that it made any difference. Magnus shushed him almost instantly. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for, Alexander. Whatever’s going on, I’m so glad you came home.”

Of course Alec had come here. From the instant he’d known what he would have to do, Alec had wanted to come here. He felt _safe_ here. And he’d promised Magnus not to push him away.

He didn’t realize he’d said those words out loud until Magnus made a soft, wounded noise, and his grip on Alec tightened. “You are. You’re safe here, pet. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

There, held safely in the comfort of his boyfriend’s arms, protected behind his wards, Alec stopped trying to fight the grief that was inside him. He stopped holding it back, stopped trying to be strong. Maybe later that relief he’d felt before would come back. Maybe he’d even be happy about his decision. Though it hadn’t been an easy one, he knew it was the right one.

But there, in that moment, with someone Alec trusted far more than anyone else, someone he loved and who impossibly loved him too, broken parts and all, Alec let himself grieve. Not just for what he’d lost, for that part of himself that he’d cut away, but for everything else that went along with it. He let himself grieve for what it would mean for his future and the future of his Institute.

He wasn’t a Lightwood anymore. Those expectations would no longer sit on his shoulders. Everything Alec said, everything he did, would be judged on his own merit. But the honor? The respect and the protection that came from being one of the old families? That would be gone now. Not even him dating Magnus would be as bad as being one of the Nameless in the eyes of so many shadowhunters who would never believe Alec had done this on his own. Who would always believe that he had been cast out, _shamed_ for who he was and who he loved.

Alec knew it was the right choice, the only choice he could’ve made. And he would stand by it.

Just… not yet.


	2. Chapter 2

Silence had never been something that Magnus was all too fond of. He liked to always have some sort of noise around him. Whether that was music, people, or even his own humming, he’d always worked best with some sort of sound around him. Even at night – he always slept better with the sounds of the city outside his window rather than the quiet of the country where Ragnor preferred to live.

Yet at the moment there wasn’t any of that. The sounds of the city were muffled, though not muted, and the soft music he’d been playing earlier had been shut off.

The only sound in Magnus’ bedroom was the light sound of snoring from down by his chest. Not loud, though a bit congested in a way that had Magnus sending a little bit of healing magic down into his boyfriend, clearing up what looked to be the start of a sinus infection. Something Alec had likely only registered as a faint headache so far.

Magnus didn’t dare turn on anything for fear of waking Alec up. It’d taken almost an hour for the younger man to fall asleep here. An hour during which he’d spent the whole time trembling and clutching at Magnus like he thought he was going to be yanked away while grieving silently for something he’d been too broken open to speak of. If it hadn’t been for the text conversation Magnus had been having with Isabelle moments before Alec arrived, he would’ve worried something had happened to her, or to Jace or Max, to create this kind of grief.

From the moment Magnus had first opened the door, sensing Alec’s presence as soon as he passed through the downstairs wards, Magnus had known something was wrong. It’d been written all over Alec’s face. In his too-wide eyes, and the faint tremble of his hands even then that Magnus was sure Alec hadn’t even noticed.

The urge to go out and find whoever had done this, whoever had hurt him like this, was strong. Magnus had to battle it back and force the anger down. There was no point in it – not yet. He had no idea who or what had caused this kind of reaction in Alec. Asking him what happened hadn’t exactly been a priority.

If it were life or death, Magnus trusted that Alec would’ve told him. Even if he’d had to stammer it out, Alec would’ve told him.

No, this didn’t feel like something like that anyway. This felt personal. Something closer to home.

Very few things were capable of getting such a visceral reaction out of a person. Especially when that person was Alexander Lightwood. Getting Alec to open up and show his feelings was a process. One that Magnus had been making progress in, yes, and it was gradually getting better. But this kind of reaction? To get Alec to this point, to send him trembling and shattered to Magnus’ door yet unable to bring himself to even knock to come in, it had to have been something bad – and Magnus’ years of experience told him that there was generally only one thing that could hurt someone quite like this.

Family.

Thinking about what Alec’s family, any member of his family, might’ve done to him to cause this was enough to have Magnus’ magic sparking around his hands. He had to close his eyes and practice a few breathing exercises to calm himself down again. The excess magic he channeled into the wards around his bedroom. It helped, making sure that Alec was as safe as he could possibly be.

It was a good thing, too, because just hours after Alec showed up, the thing that Magnus had been waiting for finally happened.

Familiar energy signatures pinged against his wards. Jace, Isabelle, and even Clary, marching into his building with a speed that suggested worry. Magnus closed his eyes as he felt them pass through the initial wards at the building’s front door.

_Showtime._

By the time Magnus had managed to gently extract himself from Alec’s hold – he used his own pillow as a replacement, pressing it into Alec’s arms for him to cling to, and it was a sign of how truly exhausted his boy was in that Alec didn’t even wake up at the change – the trio had already made their way up to his floor. The elevator let them out at the same time that Magnus was carefully shutting his bedroom door.

Thankfully the wards he’d added around his bedroom meant that Alec wouldn’t be able to hear a thing outside of there. Something which proved to be a good idea when blondie clearly tried to just let himself in and ended up rebounding off the wards there that kept the door firmly locked. The thud echoed clearly through the loft in a way that probably shouldn’t have made Magnus grin as much as he did.

Maybe it wasn’t nice, but Magnus had had enough of shadowhunters just letting themselves into his home these past few months. As if dating Alec meant that the others now had an all-access pass here. There was only one nephilim that his wards would allow to just waltz in, and that nephilim was currently safely tucked into Magnus’ bed. The others needed to learn that knocking was a courtesy he’d already informed them he was going to start demanding. Magnus saw too many clients here to have shadowhunters just barging in at will.

Magnus deliberately waited beyond the first pounding knocks. He took a moment and looked down at himself. He only contemplated it for a second before he snapped and vanished his shirt. The sweatpants stayed – he even made sure they hung low on his hips in a way he knew would draw the eye. Another snap made sure that his makeup and hair were perfectly styled to go with it. None of the three at the door had earned the privilege to see Magnus without his armor.

He was, however, perfectly content with letting them think he was having a lazy day, or sleeping, in the hopes that it would add a little backup to the story he was about to try and sell.

Once he was ready, he waited until Jace tried knocking again, harder. Only then did Magnus finally make his way toward the door.

He wasn’t surprised to be greeted by a sharp “Where is he?” the instant he opened the door. Nor was he surprised that Jace didn’t even give Magnus time to answer, he just immediately tried to push his way in.

A quick bit of magic between them kept Jace from going anywhere. Magnus used it like a barrier between him and them. One that kept the three shadowhunters out in the hallway just inches away from the door.

Like hell if they were going to just barge their way in the way they seemed to think they could. Especially not right now.

It didn’t matter that Alec was safe behind a secondary set of wards. Nor did it matter that two out of three here were family. Alec was vulnerable right now, and Magnus wasn’t going to allow _anyone_ into the loft. Not even Alec’s parabatai or his sister. While he doubted they were the cause of this, he couldn’t be positive – and even if they weren’t there was no way in Edom that Alec would want them to see him like this.

Jace hit the barrier hard enough that he physically bounced backward, bumping both Isabelle and Clarissa as he did. His glare sharpened into something dangerous when he straightened back up, almost threatening. “What the hell, Magnus?”

The smirk that settled on Magnus’ lips would’ve been a warning to anyone who knew him. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned sideways, propping himself up against the doorframe in a display of casual threat that he could tell at least Isabelle clocked. “Good morning, shadowhunters. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”

Jace opened his mouth, a sharp reply ready to go, only to get cut off when Isabelle put a hand on his shoulder. She tugged him back a step, though she kept her eyes on Magnus as she did. “I’m sorry for barging in on you like this, Magnus,” she apologized. “We just, we’re looking for Alec, and the last direction Jace felt him was this way.”

“Until _something_ blocked me,” Jace snapped. Almost unconsciously he curled a hand over the spot where Magnus knew his parabatai rune was. At least, if it matched Alec’s placement.

Magnus didn’t even bat an eye. He had way too good of a poker face to give away anything. He managed to keep on smirking as he lied through his teeth. “Is that so? Well, unfortunately, your darling brother isn’t here, though he did stop by earlier. If he comes back, I’ll be sure to let him know you were looking for him.”

“You really expect us to believe he’s not here?” Jace snapped. He jerked his shoulder out of Isabelle’s grip and straightened up like he was going to try shoving his way forward again. As if he were going to somehow _intimidate_ his way inside.

While Magnus could understand – if their roles were reversed, and he knew something was wrong with Alec, he wouldn’t let anyone or anything get in his way – it didn’t mean he was going to give in. What Alec wanted mattered far more than anything here. He’d come to Magnus’ loft seeking comfort and a feeling of safety, and he’d come to Magnus for that in an act of trust that Magnus wasn’t going to betray.

“Believe what you like,” he said calmly, not moving an inch. “It doesn’t change my answer.”

This time it was Clary who reached out to calm Jace down. Only, she didn’t grab his shoulder, just curled her fingers around his wrist in a light hold. One that he didn’t even try and break free of. Then she sent Magnus a pleading look. “Please, Magnus. This is important.”

“We wouldn’t push if it wasn’t,” Isabelle chimed in. Her voice shook just the slightest bit. When Magnus looked to her, he found that her control was just a bit shaky around the edges. Like her brother, it showed first in her eyes, that bit of emotion peeking out past her shields. Only, unlike him, hers also showed in the hard press of her lips – likely to try and keep them from trembling – and the shakiness of her breath. Little tells Alec had been trained out of showing.

His heart ached a little for her. Magnus did like Isabelle – they’d become friends, he liked to think – and he didn’t want to see her hurting.

Before he had a chance to respond to her, Jace suddenly asked “Did Alec tell you what happened? Did he tell you what he did?”

Magnus’ eyes slid back over to him. “No, he didn’t, and I don’t need…”

The other man didn’t let him finish. He cut in, his voice as sharp as his blade. “He stripped away his name.”

Silence fell over the hall.

Of all the things Magnus had expected to hear he could honestly say that that hadn’t even made the list. His first instinctive reaction was a sort of _huh_? It took a moment for Jace’s words to really sink in. A moment more for Magnus to place where he’d heard of something like that before. When he finally did, suddenly Alec’s arrival made a whole lot more sense. The shock he’d clearly been in, the heartache, the grief… _oh, Alexander._

Pain wrapped around Magnus’ heart. The urge to slam the door in their faces and go back down the hall to his sleeping boyfriend grew even stronger. Somehow, Magnus managed to resist.

Keeping a tight hold on his emotions, Magnus kept his masks in place and tipped his chin up, shrugging as casually as he could. “Whatever that means is something for Alexander to tell me. Not any of you.”

If Alec wanted to talk about this, that choice should be his. Magnus had lived long enough to respect the secrets of others. Some things had to be told in their own time. So long as Alec was safe and his life wasn’t in danger, there was no harm in allowing him the time to find his own words to talk about this. When _he_ was ready.

Unfortunately, his siblings didn’t seem to feel the same way. Yet another thing that Magnus was noticing they did with alarming regularity.

Isabelle stepped away from the others again, coming up to the barrier Magnus still had between them. She lifted her hand and pressed it, palm flat, against the barrier she could feel yet couldn’t see. “Please, Magnus. We just… we want to talk to him. To figure out what’s going on and why… why he did this.”

“They just want answers, and to make sure that he’s okay,” Clary chimed in, her voice just as gentle as Isabelle’s was only without the quaver. She shot a beseeching look Magnus’ way. “They deserve that, don’t you think?”

And that…

 _No_.

Maybe Magnus might’ve been a bit swayed by Isabelle’s soft words and her clear pain. He even understood Jace’s angry worry. But the implication that their _want_ for answers should somehow outweigh Alec’s desire to be alone was _too much_.

Magnus pushed himself off the door frame so that he stood tall in his doorway. He saw the way they moved, like they thought that maybe he was going to just let them in now, only for them to all freeze when he sent them a glare. “You can all have your answers whenever Alexander is ready to come and give them to you.” When he saw Jace start to speak, he held up a hand in a command for silence that surprisingly worked. “I don’t want to hear any more arguments. I’ve told you he isn’t here. If he left and you can’t track him, I feel safe in the assumption that he wants to be _left alone_. If I happen to hear from him, I’ll pass along that you’re looking for him, but I won’t force him to come see you before he’s ready to do so. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

Without waiting for any kind of response, Magnus spun around and used a bit of magic to snap his door shut behind him.

The instant banging that followed had him rolling his eyes. Another wave of magic silenced _that_.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Alec’s soft voice came from the direction of the hallway off to the left. The sound didn’t startle Magnus; he’d felt his boyfriend come out around the time Isabelle gave her last, soft plea. But he’d also felt how Alec stayed back, how he let Magnus speak, and that had been all he needed to keep on going. If Alec hadn’t liked how Magnus was handling things he would’ve spoken up and said something about it. Since he hadn’t, Magnus had taken that as permission to kick the trio to the curb.

The anger on Magnus’ face faded away as he turned toward his boyfriend. In its place was the soft smile that only those close to him ever got to see. “Trust me, darling. It was my absolute pleasure.” Grinning, Magnus started to make his way over to where Alec stood leaning against the wall, looking so very sleepy still, and cracked open in a way that had Magnus immediately wanting to bundle him back up and hide him away.

Magnus stopped in front of Alec and reached up, brushing his knuckles over Alec’s cheek. “I have no issue standing between you and the world when you need it. Just as I am sure you’d do the same for me.”

Just a few months ago that wouldn’t have been true. Magnus would’ve laughed at anyone who even suggested it. Now it was a certainty, something as steady and strong and present as the earth beneath his feet. Magnus had no doubt that Alec would bodily plant himself between Magnus and the world if he ever thought the warlock needed it.

Alec smiled softly at him, love warming his voice. “Of course I would.”

The wonder in his eyes made it clear he just hadn’t expected anyone else to ever do the same for him.

Not for the first time Magnus found himself wishing he could take his sweet shadowhunter and lock him away here for a little while where no one could hurt him. Not permanently – Alec wouldn’t like that. Besides, he wasn’t made to be an ornament in someone’s life. He was a leader who wore command like he’d been born to it. But a few weeks? Or even just a long weekend? Just long enough for Magnus to pamper and spoil him the way he deserved.

Those thoughts must’ve been transparent on Magnus’ face. Alec blushed, and yet he looked quietly _pleased_ at the same time. “You can’t kidnap me.”

Magnus brushed his hands over Alec’s shirt, smoothing away the wrinkles, and he very deliberately avoided looking up at him directly. “Kidnap is such a strong word.” He settled his palms against Alec’s chest and then looked up at him through his lashes, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Think of it more like… borrowing you. I’d return you eventually.”

A look of pain spasmed over Alec’s features. His smile wiped away, and his eyes went down somewhere toward Magnus’ shoulder. “You might get your wish. Aside from patrols, my schedule is about to become wide open.”

Magnus bit back the questions that wanted to come tumbling free. He settled instead for bringing one hand up to cup Alec’s cheek, cradling it like the precious thing that he knew Alec was. “ _Sayang_.”

His worry only grew when Alec didn’t try and reassure him that he was fine and that everything was okay like he normally would. No, instead of that he almost _melted_ down into Magnus’ touch with the same kind of exhaustion that had clung to him when he first showed up.

“Why don’t we go back to bed?” Magnus suggested gently. He let his thumb stroke over the apple of Alec’s cheek in a soothing touch he couldn’t hold back. At the same time, he ducked his head just enough to catch Alec’s eye, and he smiled softly at him. “I promise not to get up this time for anything short of an emergency.”

He wasn’t sure if Alec was going to respond at first. But after a moment he sighed, and his lips twitched into a small semblance of his usual shy smile. “Only if you let me walk this time.”

Magnus let out the most dramatic sounding sigh he could muster – which for him was quite a lot, thank you very much. “ _Fine_. If you insist.”

He was rewarded with a smile that was just a bit more honest.

The two made their way back down the hall to the bedroom. There was a moment of hesitance when they reached the bed, some of Alec’s natural shyness peeking through when it came to such intimate things as cuddling and talking – he was startingly open with his body in a way Magnus hadn’t anticipated yet loved. It was just these moments of emotional intimacy here that left him a little wrong-footed. But Magnus was getting better at navigating those with him. He didn’t push, just tugged the blankets back and climbed in, settling happily in the middle of the bed against a mound of pillows.

When he looked up at Alec, he smiled and held open his arms. Then he made little grabbing motions with his hands.

Alec shook his head at him, yet he grinned and got in, so Magnus counted it as a win.

As soon as Alec got close enough, Magnus grabbed hold of him and tugged him in, pulling until Alec was draped over the side of him and half on his chest. Alec chuckled and let himself be manhandled until the both of them were settled.

“Comfortable?” Alec asked dryly.

Even though Alec couldn’t see it, Magnus grinned down at the top of his head. “Immensely.”

Alec gave another chuckle; a soft puff of air that Magnus felt against his chest.

Quiet fell over the room as the two lay tangled up in one another. It didn’t seem like Alec was in the mood to talk yet, and that was fine. Magnus could contain his curiosity. If what Alec needed at the moment was comfort, then Magnus would make damn sure comfort was what he got. He held his boyfriend against him and let his hands stroke soothing lines over his arm, his shoulder, his back, even up in his hair. He held back his questions behind his teeth and focused instead on trying to give Alec whatever he needed to begin to piece himself back together.

A good ten minutes had to have passed before the silene was finally broken. By Alec.

“You’re really not going to ask, are you?”

There was no point in pretending not to know what he meant. Magnus hummed and dragged his fingers through Alec’s hair. “It’s your business to talk about whenever you’re ready.”

“I showed up on your doorstep freaking out. Some might say that kind of made it your business.”

“Some might be idiots,” Magnus returned easily. He scratched his nails against Alec’s scalp and enjoyed the way it made him shiver. “You don’t owe me anything, Alexander. If you want to talk to me, I will absolutely listen to you. But if you just want to hide for a little while and catch your breath, I am more than willing to do that for you, too. Just so long as you don’t push me away entirely.”

Alec turned his head in a little until his nose pressed against Magnus’ skin. “I’ll try not to.”

“That’s all I can ask for, pet.”

The arm over Magnus’ waist gave a small squeeze. When Alec moved it, Magnus didn’t fight the loss. He was rewarded a moment later by Alec catching his hand and threading their fingers together. The touch allowed him to fiddle with Magnus’ fingers, to fidget with his rings, something which Magnus had already noticed he did when nervous about something.

“Do you know what it means to be Nameless?” Alec asked suddenly.

Not reacting was a skill Magnus had perfected a long time ago. It was something he used in business, in politics, and in most of his dealings as High Warlock. He’d never expected it would come in handy when dealing with his boyfriend’s soft, painful admissions about a childhood that had lacked almost anything childlike. Any sign of what Alec might consider _pity_ during those confessions could make him close up faster than anything.

His feelings held behind a mask, Magnus hummed softly. “Vaguely.”

It took another moment for Alec to speak. To find the words that he claimed he was no good with, yet always delivered with the kind of emotion and honesty that was so rare to find in anyone.

“To be Nameless is one of the greatest punishments you can get,” Alec started out softly. “Names and heritage are important to shadowhunters. The further back you can trace your lineage, the more important you are. That’s why new shadowhunters used to petition families to become a part of them after drinking from the Cup. It was either that or choosing their own name and starting their own line.” Alec ran his index finger over the ring on Magnus’ thumb, following along the ridges and grooves. His voice took on the air of reciting something he’d been told before, or read before. “The Lightwoods are one of the oldest families. They can trace their existence all the way back to the time Raziel first walked the earth and granted His blessing to those original families.”

That was something Magnus actually _had_ known. There were a few families left now who could trace their lineage back that far. The fact that the Lightwoods could was part of the reason why their punishment had been so lenient after everything with Valentine. While the Clave had to punish them, they had to be careful as well. The Lightwood name was old and well-respected. Albeit a bit tarnished nowadays.

Alec drew in a breath, and the shakiness of it drew Magnus out of his thoughts. His eyes snapped down to watch, only Alec tucked his head down even further, and his body curled inward.

“I came across the act once in some of the old histories. It’s not… it’s not something that’s really done anymore. The Clave has it on file as punishment for certain crimes, but it’s not really used anymore. But there were… there were records of people who _chose_ to do it. People who decided that the shame on their family name was so strong, they’d rather start out on their own as one of the Nameless than stay connected to their family any longer. It was a way out, to keep from being punished for a crime simply because they were related to the person who did it.”

It was so easy to picture a younger Alec reading this in a book deep in the library. Curled up in a chair, perhaps, hiding away from anyone who might mock him for reading a book instead of training with blades. Magnus could picture him so easily. He could see the younger version of his boyfriend discovering these histories, reading them, thinking about what it would be like.

Had he been planning for this eventuality ever since then?

Alec twisted one of Magnus’ rings until he could run his fingers along the bumps and ridges. Something he liked to do that had prompted Magnus to make sure none of his rings had any sort of sharp edge. He’d been witness to Alec unconsciously pressing against those sharper edges one too many times.

“Lydia called,” Alec blurted out. The twitch to his body with those words was the only warning Magnus had to brace himself before Alec dropped the next words like a bomb. “Word in Alicante is that my parents are trying to find me a wife.”

The words struck hard. Like a blow to the chest that Magnus was sadly far too used to taking. He felt it, absorbed it, and then shoved away the hurt at once more being so easily dismissed by shadowhunters. The rest of him focused on the trembling body cradled against him – the one shadowhunter who would never dismiss him, and whose opinion was the only one that mattered. Magnus closed his eyes, and he squeezed Alec a little tighter.

He knew Maryse was at the Institute. Alec had talked about her visit, about his suspicions behind it. Yet Magnus also knew that a part of Alec had been hesitantly _hopeful_.

Curled up in this very bed, cuddled face to face after the kind of lovemaking that left them tired and yet alert all at the same time, the two had shared the kind of quiet secret talk that lovers share. There, Alec had whispered about how _nice_ Maryse had been. How little he trusted it, but how much he hoped that maybe it was a sign. Maybe she was coming around.

That shattered hope was clear now in every broken and jagged edge of Alec’s voice.

It was enough to make Magnus want to storm the walls of the Institute and remind this woman why Valentine and his followers had always feared Magnus Bane. He wanted to make her pay for every tremble that shook through Alec, every tear drop his heart bled, every moment she had ever made him feel like he was _not good enough_.

Alec’s fingers clenched on Magnus’. “She wasn’t going to stop.” The words cracked in the middle, a broken sound like sharp glass scraping over Magnus’ heart. “If I, if I had just tried to kick her out she would’ve still come back, again and again, with more threats and ultimatums. Eventually she’d find something. Something to force me into fixing all this. And I, I can’t. I _can’t_.”

The more that Magnus got to know Alec – his fiercely determined personality, the amazingly headstrong way he’d raised his siblings – the more he’d wondered what it was that kept Alec as obedient as he was to his parents. He’d wondered if it was more than just the fear of coming out that had kept the boy so firmly in line that he’d even been willing to sacrifice his entire life in a marriage that would’ve never made him happy.

Having his worst fears confirmed wasn’t something Magnus took pleasure in.

“Shh,” he whispered, stroking his hands over every bit of Alec he could while simultaneously drawing him in closer. “I know, darling. I know.”

Alec’s face pressed against the skin of Magnus’ chest hard enough it no doubt put spots behind Alec’s eyes. Despite that pressure, Magnus felt a few tears leak out against Alec’s will, and his heart broke a little more.

“She wasn’t going to stop,” Alec whispered again. “I did what I had to. I, I did what I _had to_.”

Over and over again Alec repeated those last six words in a mantra against Magnus’ skin.

Magnus did the only thing he could and he held Alec through his breakdown. He held him as the threads of his iron control snapped from years and years of being pulled too tight. Tears spilled in hot trails down Magnus’ side to pool on the bedding beneath them. The hot puff of Alec’s breath was as ragged as the trembles that shook through him like spasms. Alec broke apart there as if Magnus’ arms were the only thing left to keep him together.

This, Magnus knew, was likely to be the only time Alec allowed himself to break this way. He wasn’t the type to let himself go. To let himself feel. This, here, it was Alec giving in to a grief that demanded to be felt. He was mourning the loss of everything that had made him who he was, and a family he had hoped might one day come to care about him as much as he cared about them.

Later, when all was said and done, Alec would walk out of this bedroom just as strong as ever. Stronger, even. Ready to face down whatever came his way and forge a new path forward. He would stand proud and tall underneath whatever anyone sent his way. Be it words, looks, or actions. Alec would be the mountain that he was, strong and immovable.

This choice he made for himself, it might be hard, but he wouldn’t regret it. Magnus knew him well enough for that. He knew Alec would’ve thought of this from every angle before he ever set out down this path. But being sure of something didn’t mean he couldn’t grieve what had been, or what could’ve been.

Magnus held him and gave him the space to do that. A space where Alec was free to feel whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, without having to justify it to anyone. Where he was free to be the weak one for a little while instead of having to hold up everyone else around him. Outside of their bedroom Alec made himself strong. Here in the privacy of their home he let Magnus hold him, body and wards, and keep him safe.

* * *

By the time Alec finally found his footing once more, and Magnus was willing to let him up out of bed, the sun had risen high in the sky. No one had tried to interrupt them after the troublesome trio had come and gone. Magnus had listened in as Isabelle had convinced Jace that they should go and let them be, give Alec time to process things.

Blondie earned back a little of Magnus’ goodwill when he not only refused to leave, he set himself up downstairs in front of the building, glamoured from mundanes, and with a few blades to sharpen in a very clear and very blatant threat to any shadowhunter or Downworlder who might try to come and disturb them. He’d clearly taken Isabelle’s words to heart and was doing his best to make sure that Alec had the space to get hold of himself once more.

Instead of being offended that the young man didn’t trust Magnus’ wards – as if anyone was going to get anywhere near Alec until he was ready for it – Magnus chose to take it as a sign of Jace’s love and respect for Alec. A bit of protection for the man who sought to protect everyone else while Alec was too low to do it himself.

That time was necessary for Alec. He needed a chance to grieve what he gave up without worrying that the people around him might think him weak, or that maybe he regretted his choice.

That was something Magnus wasn’t sure some people would understand. Not just because the people in Alec’s life were all so _young_ – not so much in years compared to Alec but in _experience_ , in _heart_ – but because it wasn’t an easy lesson to learn. There were many immortals out there who Magnus knew might not understand, either. He’d just happened to experience enough in his life to know that sometimes grieving over something is less about regretting your choice, or what could have been – it was about what _should_ have been. What things might’ve been like if all your hopes came true, and the world was the way it should be.

Alec wasn’t regretting his choice. He was saying goodbye to that faint flicker of hope inside of him that one day, his parents might love him for who he was. That they might accept him and all the parts they’d so far deemed unworthy. Alec was grieving a dream, an ideal, that never would’ve come to pass no matter how he hoped for it. He was letting that go and moving forward. A process which wasn’t easy.

Magnus hated to see him in that kind of pain. Yet he couldn’t deny how much lighter Alec looked as the two sat up in bed together. They were facing one another with their feet tangled together and lunch spread out on a bed tray between them.

Alec had already tried to apologize for breaking apart. Magnus quickly shut down that line of thought.

“You don’t need to apologize to me,” he reassured Alec, their hands clasped together and not a glamour between them. “It’s an _honor_ that you let me see you like this. That you feel safe and comfortable enough to come to me when you need comfort. All this did was make me love you and admire your strength even more, Alexander.”

It was true, too. Alec was amazing, and wonderful, and one of the strongest people Magnus had ever known.

Looking at him now…it was like a weight had been lifted off Alec’s shoulders. Some of the lines on his face were gone, and though there were shadows in his eyes, ones that Magnus knew from experience would flare back up now and again, there was also a light there. One that had been shrouded for so long Magnus wondered if it’d ever been allowed to be free.

Alec had one leg drawn up, foot pressed into the bed and his knee acting as a rest for his coffee mug. A little bit of magic made sure it wasn’t radiating enough heat to burn, something which Magnus knew Alec either wouldn’t have noticed or would’ve used in one of the unfortunate grounding techniques that Magnus was trying so hard to help him replace.

Dark eyes looked up at Magnus through long lashes. Now that the emotional side had been burnt through, the practical side of Alec was coming back to the forefront. It was an interesting mix that Magnus felt privileged to be able to witness.

“Well, no fire messages have come in, so I’m guessing no Clave officials have showed up yet,” Alec finally said, reaching out as he did to poke at the plate of fruit with his fork. For someone who had no problems getting his hands around a messy bacon cheeseburger, he had more manners when eating than even _Ragnor_ – and Magnus hadn’t thought anyone was more mannerly than him. But Alec didn’t even eat most _fruit_ without a fork.

Magnus smiled at the sight of Alec nibbling almost daintily at bit of sapodilla fruit. It was something he’d fallen in love with and that Magnus liked to treat him with now and again. Alec had a sweet too like no other, yet a strong preference for fruits to satisfy that than candy. He liked sweets that weren’t artificial.

Shaking his head to clear those thoughts, Magnus pulled his attention back to their late lunch and the conversation at hand. Clearly Alec was ready to start talking about this.

“Do you think the Clave is going to be a problem?” Magnus reached out to pick up a yangmei and pop it into his mouth. He went for deliberately casual; the best way to handle conversations that had the potential to be a minefield the way this one did.

It looked like Alec took his question seriously. He tilted his head a bit and took another bite from his fork. “Potentially. Becoming one of the Nameless is rarely something that’s _chosen_. The few records I found where it was, it was often because a family had created so much shame the person had made the choice to distance themselves from them, and they’d always done so with another family already there, ready to take them in. Shadowhunters care too much about their lineage to give it up easily.”

Yes, Magnus was well aware of how much stock these people put in their lineage. He didn’t say that, though the look Alec shot his way made it clear that he understood.

Alec sighed softly and dropped his gaze back down to their food. That hint of shadows still in his eyes briefly grew darker. “Being Nameless isn’t common. It takes a lot for it to happen. But pretty much every record of it is for punishment. That’s why I did mine as publicly as possible. I wanted to make sure people knew I made the choice. Hopefully, that’ll help.”

As much as Magnus wanted to reassure Alec that people would understand, that this would all work out, he knew he couldn’t. There was no false hope that he could offer here. Not when they both knew the truth of the matter. They knew just how shaky Alec’s position currently was. What happened next could go either way.

However, there was one thing he _could_ reassure him on, and he didn’t hesitate to do so. “Your people will stand by you, Alexander. They respect you as their leader.”

“Hopefully that’ll be enough.”

Magnus fought back the furious surge of his magic that demanded that it _would_ be enough, that he would _make it_ enough. He throttled that feeling down and consoled himself with the reminder that Alec’s people _did_ care about him. He’d seen it time and time again. They loved Alec. He wasn’t just a leader to them, another figurehead from the Clave giving them commands. He cared about his people and it showed. Alec took the time to learn their names, their lives, and he accepted them all for who they were. Even when he’d been barely more than a child, and unable to even accept himself.

Whether Alec realized it or not, that had earned him a lot of loyalty. The people of the New York Institute loved their leader. Magnus had no doubt that they would stand by him. He just hoped that would be enough.

Moments like these Magnus wished he could offer better support. But he had no idea what the Clave was going to do. For all that he knew more about shadowhunters than most Downworlders out there, having spent far too much time with them, Magnus didn’t know everything.

He'd thought once that he knew quite a lot about shadowhunters. Could write his own book on them, even.

Dating Alec had taught him otherwise.

Magnus hadn’t known just how devout the nephilim were. He knew they were at least some, of course, considering all they did in the name of Raziel. But he hadn’t known how much the other angels mattered to them. How much worship they practiced. Not until the first time he’d glimpsed Alec on his knees before bed. Or saying a soft prayer before mealtimes.

Nor had he known that almost every soldier of the Clave carried a military title as well as a religious title. Each one dependent on how far the person chose to take their studies. He hadn’t known the signs that denoted their ranks, the rune-burnt marks of their office burnt into their skin, each one and each _location_ with its own meaning. Not until he’d found the bands on Alec’s left ankle and calf, traced those twists and swirls and lines of power with his tongue in a worship that had left Alec trembling.

But what had really sank home for Magnus recently was just how little he knew about the inner workings of the political landscape in Idris. It wasn’t something he ever had reason to be involved in. How Heads were elected, how they could be taken down – he didn’t have any real knowledge of that. Not beyond the Clave swooping in to appoint someone or take the job away. It was something he’d only just begun to realize as he’d watched Alec go through the struggles of not just getting his job, but fighting to keep it.

Now there was every chance that all that hard work was going to be for naught. That Alec’s choice would cost him more than just his family name.

Magnus had never been in a relationship that broke his heart as often as it mended it. He had watched Alec take each painful step toward a path for himself, fighting along the way for respect, self-acceptance, even common decency from the people around him. He’d listened to Alec in the quiet of their room at night while Alec whispered the terrible things that he had to hear each time he went to Idris. Or the harsh words or cold looks from his parents.

Neither of their people were all too happy with their relationship. A nephilim, the Head of an Institute, and a warlock, a _High Warlock_ , someone held in high esteem by his people. They not only came from two walks of life, they were both leaders, and as such held to higher standards than others.

But whereas Magnus’ people were slowly coming around, being won over little by little with each moment Alec proved just what type of person he was, the shadowhunters weren’t as easy. Magnus had done his best to win over the ones here at Alec’s Institute. Not that he cared what they thought, but because it made it easier for _Alec_. However, he couldn’t change the minds of the ones back in Alicante, or in other Institutes. Not when they weren’t often around for him to do it.

Which meant that every time Alec had to go to his hometown, every time he left behind New York even for a brief meeting, every single conference call he participated in, he had to deal with anything from a quiet disrespect to blatantly hateful insults. Neither of which Magnus could do anything about.

Alec bore it all stoically. It’d taken Magnus months to convince him it was okay to talk about it. That he could lean on Magnus. Come to him for comfort. But he’d finally admitted once that he’d expected this. It was why he’d stayed in the closet for so long. Because Alec knew his people, he knew his culture, and this was nothing that he hadn’t expected he’d have to endure.

“There was never anything that made me think it’d all be worth it,” Alec had told him once. The words had been soft and sweet, whispered into Magnus’ skin like a prayer. “Not until I met you. You’re worth all of it.”

That wasn’t the first time Alec had broken his heart and mended it all at the same time. Nor would it be the last.

Magnus spent every moment they had together trying to make sure Alec knew just how loved he was. How grateful Magnus was to have him in his life. And he knew Alec tried to do the same for him. They hadn’t gotten past those painful moments – they never would, no matter what anyone said those things didn’t stop hurting just because you’d experienced it enough times – but they’d learned how to lean on one another and breathe past it.

Now things were going to change. The people who spewed their hate on Alec were going to have another reason to make his life miserable. And, once again, there was nothing Magnus could do about it except be there for Alec after the fact.

He was pulled out of those thoughts when Alec sighed. The sound was heavy with reluctance and the weight of countless choices.

When Magnus looked up, he found that Alec had set down his fork on the mostly emptied tray. His own eyes were down for the moment, and Magnus watched as Alec sighed again, quieter this time. He watched the way that Alec drew himself up afterward. Slowly, carefully, pulling together the bits of his mask. The one that would allow him to walk into the Institute with his spine straight and his head held high no matter what he was met with.

It was a mask every good leader had to craft at some point. One that was unique to each of them.

Magnus watched it, and he grieved a little more.

When Alec looked at him once more, his gaze was calm, and there was no sign of his earlier grief except for the redness and swelling around his eyes. Something that Magnus couldn’t resist reaching out to soothe away with gentle curls of blue magic.

The way Alec leaned in to the touch of his magic as easily as he did to Magnus’ hand was something that would never fail to amaze him. Or warm his heart.

“Will you come with me?” Alec murmured, cheek pressed to Magnus’ hand.

There was only one answer he could give to that. Only one he wanted to give. “Of course.”

A faint smile curved Alec’s lips. He turned his head and pressed a soft kiss into Magnus’ palm.

With that soft request Alec was letting him know that whatever came next was something the two of them were going to face together.

There was nowhere else Magnus wanted to be than standing there beside his love as they walked the next few steps down a path they’d begun to make. Together.


End file.
